Golden Girls Corona Quarantine Cheesecake Scene

What are your favourite Golden women doing during the quarantine?

Having written for the Golden Girls for several seasons, among the places my mind has gone during ‘quarantining’ has been the girls’ kitchen and what a cheesecake scene might look like under these circumstances. There was a real comfort for me revisiting the ladies all these years later on paper. Hopefully it will have the same effect on you.  —  Richard Vaczy  

                         
INT. KITCHEN - DAY 
Dorothy is taping envelopes closed as Blanche 
brings over a half eaten cheesecake from the refrigerator. 
 
                         BLANCHE
                Girls, it's so sad. Our last
                quarantine cheesecake. Don't blink. 
                In the next two hours they'll all 
                be gone. 
                          DOROTHY 
                Only to be reborn on your thighs       
                three days later. 
                          SOPHIA
                Dorothy. You ever think we might 
                wanna give each other some 
                compliments? Especially now? Under
                these horrible circumstances?
                      (turns to her)   
                Blanche, I actually think your
                thighs are beautiful. 
                          BLANCHE   
                Why, thank you, Sophia.
                          SOPHIA
                Of course all the fornication with 
                those strange valet parkers must 
                keep 'em toned up pretty good. And 
                tearing away from those pissed off 
                girlfriends has gotta be worth 
                something too.
                          BLANCHE 
                Thanks, Sophia, but... 
                          SOPHIA
                And you don't even own a car!
                        (realizes)
                So that's why there's that Hertz 
                bill in the mail every month!
                        (then)
                Which brings up the question: who's 
                really the rental here, Blanche? 
                You or the Fiesta? 

Sophia laughs. She sees that Blanche is not amused. 

                         DOROTHY
                Ma! 
                         SOPHIA
                Relax. I get it. I need to work on
                my compliments, too...
                       (can't help herself)
                Ms. Space Needle.
                       (turns to her; faux
                       sincere)
                But, seriously, sweetheart, your 
                legs are two of the great creatures 
                God ever made. Unique beauties. 
                       (thinks about it)
                I just haven't seen them in years. 
                Who the hell can see around those
                arms of yours?

Blanche starts cutting the cake. 

                         BLANCHE      
                       (stomps foot; cutting
                       cake) 
                Ohhh, I just hate that new mayor of 
                ours. If he'd put that new power 
                pole on our street, I could have a 
                dozen more cheesecakes in the 
                backup fridge in the garage. 

Rose starts giggling. 

                         BLANCHE (CONT'D) 
                        (ticked)
                Rose, what? We're talking about the 
                very serious topic of running out 
                of cheesecakes and all you can do
                is giggle? What's so funny?
                          ROSE     
                You said... 
                        (can't keep it in)
                ..."power pole"!
                          BLANCHE      
                Darn it, Rose, stop being so juv..!
                Oooo, "power pole." Has such a
                solllid, unrellllenting sound...
                        (turns quickly to fridge)
                Excuse me. I need a lemonade. 

Blanche gets one. 

                         ROSE 
                And wasn't that your nickname for
                that weight lifter from Warsaw 
                you'd follow to the gym every day
                and try to smell after his 
                workouts? 
                         BLANCHE    
                Why, Rose, that's disgusting. I'd 
                never "smell" anyone. I'd maybe 
                just go in for a little "sniff". A 
                tiny "whiff" of must, testosterone
                and perspir...
                       (turns back to fridge)
                I need more ice. Blocks maybe.     
                         ROSE 
                Well, I've got some good news, 
                Blanche. I ran into the mayor 
                earlier and I got him to hook us
                up. So we've got extra quarantine 
                cheesecakes if we want right now. 
                         BLANCHE
                Oh my God, Rose! Are you kidding? 
                That's wonderful. But how'd you..?
                         ROSE
                Blanche, I'm your opposite so you 
                probably don't think my subtlety  
                and finesse and general pleasant-
                ness would ever work on a man. 
                         BLANCHE 
                       (dubious)
                Well, probably n...
                         ROSE 
                       (re: her breasts)
                That's where these Himalayan gila 
                monsters come in! 
                       (then)
                Works every time. I own that tool 
                now. He'd paint our bathrooms 
                right now if I wanted him to. 
                         DOROTHY 
                Still, there's a problem. We might
                have cheesecakes but this damn 
                quarantine isn't ever gonna end. 
                         ROSE 
                Dorothy's right. I don't ever 
                remember feeling this alone. 
                Although there was this one time in 
                St. Olaf... 
                         DOROTHY 
                       (puts tape over her mouth) 
                No, there wasn't, Rose. 
                       (then)
                But you're right. No matter who we 
                are we all get lonely. We all have 
                our "alone" stories. Even Blanche.
                         BLACHE     
                       (considers it)
                 Uh... nope. Not... a one. 
                       (sings it happily)
                 Zippo!
                       (notices women glowering)
                 Though... I could make one up if
                 you girls all want me to?
                         DOROTHY
                 That's okay, Blanche. I've kept 
                 track of all your boy toy tales
                 over the past five weeks and 
                 they've been entertaining enough. 
                       (pulls out list)
                 And, I gotta say, your bedroom has 
                 diversity numbers only Harvard 
                 University could be jealous of. 
                       (indicates with thumb)
                 It's gotta be just like the United 
                 Nations in there. 
                       (then)
                 Especially when guys realize what a 
                 waste of money it is.          
                         SOPHIA 
                 Hold on. Hold on. I've got a 
                 Dorothy "lonely" story. And it 
                 isn't even hugely embarrassing.
                 Okay, Dorothy?

Sophia looks at Dorothy for permission. 
 
                         DOROTHY 
                 If you must, Ma. 
                         SOPHIA 
                 Picture it. Red Hook. 1938. 
                 Buildings crumbling. People getting 
                 nailed over the head with lead 
                 pipes at the deli. Drunks licking 
                 W.C. Fields' leg trying to get any 
                 kind of buzz they could possibly
                 get. 
                          DOROTHY  
                 Ma! What does this have to do with 
                 anything?
                          SOPHIA
                 It doesn't. Was just describing an 
                 average day in Brooklyn in 1938. 
                        (looks up at women) 
                 In any event, it was the day of my 
                 Pussycat's Sweet Sixteen Party. Or
                 as we'd later call it "Is that the
                 doorbell? Lie to her! Sunday."
                          DOROTHY 
                 Come on, Ma, pace it up. 
                          SOPHIA 
                        (shrugs)    
                 Please. Italians like to savor. 
                 Relax. 
                        (then) 
                 In any event, while we sold--and 
                 Dorothy bought, ha!--that Brooklyn 
                 was empty that night cause they
                 were giving away free how-to-crush-
                 beer-cans-against-your-face lessons 
                 in Jersey... 
                          BLANCHE
                 Ahhh, the northern paradise you two 
                 described all these years...
                          SOPHIA
                 ...we convinced Dorothy a boy there
                 was the high school quarterback, 
                 "Mook", but it was actually her 
                 cousin's sex doll she chatted up on
                 the porch all night instead.  
                          DOROTHY 
                        (to them all) 
                 I had my first beer that night and
                 lost my glasses! So sue me! 
                          SOPHIA
                 Called herself the future Mrs. Mook 
                 all night. Hugged him so hard, when 
                 he started leaking air she thought   
                 it was him going "Shhhh" to make 
                 things more romantic. 
                           DOROTHY  
                         (re: Sophia)
                 Can someone quarantine me from all 
                 this?     
                           SOPHIA
                 But blind as you were, I actually
                 thought you were having a good time
                 till Sal came along and strangled 
                 the doll, yelling "No one touches 
                 my Little Spumoni like that! At 
                 least not in exchange for a nice 
                 bottle of Valpolicello!"
                           DOROTHY     
                 Ma, didn't you start all this off 
                 by saying it wasn't embarrassing?
                           SOPHIA 
                         (shrugs; qualifies) 
                 "Hugely" embarrassing. 
                           DOROTHY 
                 Although there is something real
                 comforting about your 
                 obnoxiousness. 
                           SOPHIA 
                         (genuinely shy)
                 Awww, you are just embarrassing me, 
                 Oblong Creature. 
                           DOROTHY 
                 I mean there's a normalcy to it 
                 all. And that's hard to find right 
                 now. Ma, you and your inability to 
                 speak to humans... 
                           BLANCHE 
                 Rose's... inability to relate to            
                 humans... 

Rose nods. 

                           DOROTHY 
                 ...And Blanche's desire to still 
                 get voted "Favorite Girl in the 
                 Drug Store Alley." Ahhh, all sooo
                 comforting. 
                           ROSE
                 Yeaahhhh...
                           DOROTHY 
                 These are things that are always 
                 there. Even now, when you open the 
                 door and the real world isn't 
                 really out there anymore. 
                           BLANCHE 
                 Ohh, Dorothy, thanks for putting 
                 everything in such wonderful 
                 perspective. 
                           ROSE
                 It makes me feel eternally 
                 grateful. 
                           BLANCHE
                 And I'm just thankful for all of
                 you. Life may've changed but we 
                 always, always have each other. 
                 Come here, girls. 

Blanche indicates they should come together for a 
group hug but they stop. The virus. They start a 
regular high five then an elbow bump but demur from 
them, too. 

                           ROSE
                  Here, follow me. I have a super 
                  secret hug I invented in St. Olaf
                  that actually might work here. 

The women all look at each other then look at Rose. 
No one really moves. They look at Rose again 
like "Well?"        

                           ROSE (CONT'D) 
                         (doesn't move further)    
                  I told you I was subtle!        

The ladies laugh together simulating hugs six feet 
apart. 

                           END SCENE        
 
                                            HOPEFULLY END
                                            CORONAVIRUS
                   
     

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